Hope Through Brokenness: “The Lullaby” (Track 6) Blog Post by Kurt Scobie October 9, 2012 www.kurtscobie.com/blogs Here we are! The final post in the 6-part series of blogs. Thanks to all who have hung in there. I appreciate your tolerance for my ramblings on this platform. I consider it a privilege. Thank you.
So... “The Lullaby”. I wrote this song for my daughter, Bella Grace, as my wife and I were anticipating her arrival. Many of you know the story. I never had the chance to sing this song to her as she was stillborn at 24 weeks.
I think about her every day and look forward to singing this song to her, one day, in heaven.
I can see it in your eyes This world has worn you down today Come and rest in my arms tonight I will stay
One of the most interesting things about being a songwriter is the way your songs evolve over time. Not just during the process, but even months or years after writing, some songs gain new meaning. This song has changed for me. What was intended to be sung as a lullaby over my little girl, has now been sung over me. I don’t know when it happened, but at some point I was listening back to this song and it hit me. Just as I longed to sing this over my child, God longed to sing the same over me.
Lay your head upon my heart That’s where I’ve held you today And where we’ll never be apart Come and stay
I miss her. That might be hard to understand if you’ve never gone through anything like this, but it is a true feeling. Believe it or not, you can miss something you’ve never had. You can miss someone you’ve never met. “Come and stay” is a call out to Bella. I wish she could somehow, someway, come and just be with me. If you are a parent, you understand how much holding your child is comforting to YOU, not just to them.
From when you fall To when you wake I will stay right here Your fears to take And when you call When you arise I will be your all
Being a parent makes you feel needed/wanted like never before. I understand this song in a new way, now that my son Judah is here. I want to be his “all”.
I will wipe away your storms Just as I’m calming all your fears Here is everything you need Come and be
Every time I get to this part, “Here is everything you need”, the question “Why, God?” always surfaces in my mind. It probably always will.
Most of the anger surrounding this whole event has passed, but there is still hurt. There is still discomfort. Here I am, one year later, and I just struggle with it.
As the river fills the sea So my love flows for you And it’s a steady, mighty stream Come, dream
My love for Bella reaches into eternity. I hope she knows the love I have for her. I hope she senses that love, wherever she is, in her heavenly home. She is still mine. She will always have my love.
My friend Andy has been working on a personal project, “Marked”, that highlights different people and their stories behind their tattoos. His blog OneNineImages will soon have photos of my tattoo and tell Bella’s story. You’ll be able to check it out here: http://www.onenineimages.com.
Hope Through Brokenness: “The Romancer” (Track 5) Blog Post by Kurt Scobie September 9, 2012 www.kurtscobie.com/blogs
In the midst of the immeasurable pain my wife and I experienced when our baby passed away, was a peace that God provided. We sent up a lot of prayers while grieving the loss of Bella, but this song is a prayer that I prayed asking God to simply draw close to us.
Step So softly And hold my hand This land is exploding tonight Can we stand? And just dance
When life blows up in your face, you long for an escape. You can only focus on the chaos and the explosions and the destruction for so long, before you just need a distraction. Before you just need to check out for a bit.
You are the center And I’m spinning ‘round You move me faster And I’m holding on I’m fixed on your beauty I’ll never look away Dance with me And everything will be OK
This chorus may not be the most “deeply” written, but the words call out to God for the deepest level of intimacy. My prayers immediately following Bella’s passing were for a feeling of closeness with God that would mute the world around me. The pain seemed so great and lasted for so long that the only thing I could pray for was a mental escape. My desire, at this place of utmost brokenness, was for His presence. God’s closeness. Simple. Deep. Nothing else.
Shift We’re moving Wave on wave So deep from your ocean Crash to these shores And I crave more
An overwhelming “ocean” of love flooded into my life when I prayed for this rescuer to come. I was so blown away by the ways God was revealing His love for me that I began writing it all down. From little things to huge things, God was crashing wave after wave after wave of peace and comfort into my world. The biggest of these blessings was discovering a few months after losing Bella that another baby was on the way. Even though my son Judah was only the size of a fingernail when we found out about him, that fraction-of-an-ounce of hope was enough to keep me hopeful (that is, FULL of hope).
In the community of people who have suffered the loss of a baby, if a child is born after that loss he or she is called a “rainbow baby”. The rainbow is a symbol of hope and promise. Judah’s fingernail-size life was a small and seemingly insignificant promise, but God was faithful to grow that hope and bring that MIRACLE (there really is no other word for human life) into our world.
The overwhelming waves of God’s love continue, even today. We just passed the one-year mark from when we lost our first baby. And we are continually showered with more promise and hope than we can keep track of.
Touch So softly Stop I’ll wait You’re the Romancer Love
This dance, this prayer for comfort is ongoing. It is the perfect evening that never ends. When one song ends, the next begins. The Romancer is walking with us through this dance we call life, full of hopes, dreams, hardship, heartache, gains, losses, music, silence... and love. This is the point. The greatest is love.
You are the center And I’m spinning ‘round You move me faster And I’m holding on I’m fixed on your beauty I’ll never look away Dance with me And everything will be OK
One last note. That “everything will be OK” part might be misleading. This life will always have brokenness. The person you think has everything going for them, doesn’t. We will be broken. And that is ok. Because our completeness doesn’t come from having it all or never getting hurt, but from trusting His perfect touch to bring us comfort and healing. True completeness. True hope through all of our brokenness.
Hope Through Brokenness: “The Warnings” (Track 4) Blog Post by Kurt Scobie August 7, 2012 www.kurtscobie.com/blogs
The warnings are all around us. Signs, messages, alerts, sirens, and the timely words of a trusted friend are all right there. The problem isn’t a lack of warnings. The problem is a lack of heeding to those warnings.
He walks up, sexy designer jeans You wish you could read him like his drink, he’s holding Label, pointing toward you Trapping you in you, pinning you to you
Most people, regardless of the red flags, will do what they want to do, once they have decided to do it. I think it is a pride issue. Some of the most difficult words to say in the English language are “I was wrong”. Our pride can lead us right off a cliff.
You laugh, girl Because you never wanted to cry, girl Because you never wanted to Turn around And now he’s back, girl Another pretty label he hides, girl But no one ever told you Just turn around Wake up and see The warnings
How far is too far before you “can’t” turn around? Does there come a point where you’ve “gone too far” to make the right decision?
Oh and what’s inside him kills you baby Impairs drive and operation Who’s your king? And are you the queen? And who will take the wheel? Tell me how you feel
A working title for this song, at one point, was “Government Warning” because of the warning label you see on a bottle of alcohol. Those people that sometimes show up in our lives, that are “bad” for us, should come with a warning label, shouldn’t they? They impair our vision, operation, and some are just poison to our lives. No, the warnings aren’t as obvious when it comes to people. But they are there. We just need an awakening in order to see them. What is impairing your vision?
Wake up and see Who he’s going to be
And who are YOU going to be? Do you need to “wake up”? The warnings are there. Are you paying attention?
Hope Through Brokenness: “The Night” (Track 3) Blog Post by Kurt Scobie July 29, 2012 www.kurtscobie.com/blogs
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” -Plato
I wrote “The Night” a few years ago after I learned that the idea of divorce was lingering in the life of someone I knew. Marriage is hard. And this couple had much to overcome. When I heard that there was a period of separation (with kids involved), I knew that this “crash” would leave a mark.
Can you breathe? Can you move? Can you see how many fingers I’m holding up? The baby’s fine Hold my hands And blink twice if you understand
We are all wrecked. We’re battered. Broken. Beaten. After the impact, all we can do is ask “Am I alive?” “Am I ok?” The world moves on, it seems, and we’re just... in shock. All we can do is sit. And stare.
It happened fast When you crashed The other driver walked away without a scratch And no one spoke And faces cried With tears that come from deeper than eyes
The song “Breakeven” by The Script says “when a heart breaks, no it don’t break even”. When we’re broken, all we can see is our own brokenness. Everyone else is fine. The guy in the other car walked off the scene untouched and all we can think to do is cry.
And your mama prayed And your daddy’s heart stopped beating
And all anyone else can do is pray. And cry. And hurt for you. All of which seems to be pointless. But... it’s not. What else can be done?
And this is the night You’ll never forget for the rest of your time And it hurts right now And it’s not just your life you saw flash before your eyes And tonight’s the night you died And you came back to life
For me and my wife, September 8th (and the 6th) will always be a day we “never forget for the rest of our time”. When we went in for the gender ultrasound on September 6th, 2011, we had no idea that our lives were about to change, forever. We were blindsided when the ultrasound revealed that our little girl had no heartbeat. And now “Bella Day” will be every year on her birthday (September 8th) in the Scobie household. The pain we feel isn’t near as strong as those first few months, but the emotional scars we have from going through the loss of our baby will always be there.
These crashes in life bring about a new normal. A part of us dies. A different life is born.
You were out of bed And off your crutch When I came by to see how you were holding up And days turned years Almost forgot Your need to heal from the inside out
This is the long stretch. The part we rarely talk about. We love to tell/hear stories about the big moments of failures and the big successes. But what about the in-between space? What about those weeks or months or years of “blah” between the time you fall and the time you’re back at full speed? Those parts usually get paraphrased or skimmed over in stories. But, those “boring parts” are where true growth happens. Healing takes time.
By the way, most of the people who said “Oh my gosh, I am SO sorry” on your Facebook post do not remember, years later, that you even went through such a hard time. True friends continue to check in on you through those “blah” times.
And you are almost strong Wounds become scars and the weakness is gone
Almost.
This is the night You’ll never forget for the rest of your time And it hurts sometimes But everyone’s talking about how you survived And tonight’s the night You died and you came back to life
By the grace of God, the couple I mentioned earlier were reunited and their marriage was saved. My wife and I have seen renewal in our journey as well. But those moments, “the night” we died and came back to life, we will carry with us forever.
Hope Through Brokenness: “The Ride” (Track 2) Blog Post by Kurt Scobie July 25, 2012 www.kurtscobie.com/blogs
“If we wait for the moment when everything, absolutely everything, is ready, we shall never begin." - Ivan Turgenev
“Do not wait until the conditions are perfect to begin. Beginning makes the conditions perfect.” -Alan Cohen
Track 2, “The Ride”! I am publishing this a few days later than planned, but it has been quite a “ride” lately. It was a matter of minutes after I posted the first blog in this series (“The Wake”) that I received a call from my mom. When I saw her name come up on the caller ID... I knew. My grandpa, who had taken a fall nine weeks earlier, had passed away. This was my dad’s dad, and the first of my grandparents to pass. So, my wife and I headed up to Michigan for the funeral, and we have been trying to get caught up after being out of pocket for a few days.
This is life, right? Our plans get thwarted. Our friends move on. Our loved ones say goodbye. Life happens.
“The Ride” is about that.
I am done Waiting for the clock to tell me when Waiting for the right time to begin This mess I’ve made will be a mountain where I stand
I am all about preparation and timing. But, for me, the best education has been just to go for it. Failing means learning. And sooner or later, those failures (lessons learned) pile up enough to give you a firm footing.
You’re never gonna stifle this persistence You’re never gonna stop me with your friction Every move I make I make in the one who puts this all in motion
“The One”, by the way, is Jesus Christ. He is my source.
Ri-iide I am living for more than the end Ri-iide I’m not waiting for all of the answers before I begin
Life really is short. In his song “Better Than Me” my friend Mike Kinnebrew says “Thirty years they just took to flight. Time just pulled me like a train.” That train pulls us faster and faster every year. We get so wrapped up in our goals and just getting through the day, that we forget to pause and simply take in this gift we call life. I am all about goals and reaching finish lines, believe me. But this race, this journey, has MUCH for us to take in, in every moment! That line between point A and point B is an exciting, hilly, bumpy, peaceful, happy, rocky, frustrating, smooth, sad, unbelievable ride. Ride!
Whoa-oh-oh Finally my eyes have vision This open heart has a mission Step by step by step I follow the unstoppable leader of the hopeful broken
Throughout the process of writing, tweaking, recording, and releasing these songs I discovered even more how much every person on this planet has brokenness. I have heard nonstop story after story from friends, family, complete strangers, and random fans who have been through hell. Job losses, divorces, deaths, and broken hearts abound. I have also heard stories of people a few years removed from those same hard times. They have clarity. They are stronger. The wind was knocked out of them, and they had to start over. They had to be carried, then they crawled, then walked. Step by step by step by step by step...
This life it pulls The ride it rises and it falls Beyond our dreams when we were small When we were fearless, before we lost it all
It’s sad to think that when these storms come, our “new normal” becomes a life with a little less innocence. I can think of no other time in my life when I felt more defeated and broken, as when my wife and I went through the loss of our daughter, Bella. We got robbed. That’s not the way things are supposed to be. Fearless will never again be an approach we take when it comes to having children.
That seems like a pretty downer statement. But this is our reality. This is life. This is our ride.
Now, I believe that we will have better days of hope and happiness. I believe that these waters will calm down. I believe that we will be fearless in other areas. But, I am learning to accept the bad along with the good. The dying with the living. Complete hope, while completely broken.
